spending more time in the Word... ahh, it’s been so long.
walking around the lake with Bauer = sooooo relaxing!
another morning in the Word, but this time while still in my jammies :}
the lake, just blocks from our house. so dreamy + perfect
* * *
Do you ever feel like you don’t have the right words to describe how you feel? Or you don’t know where to start so you just don’t start? I feel like this all the time… like my words are a jumbled mess and I can’t find the right way to transfer what I’m thinking + feeling onto paper. Or a keyboard :) Even though I feel this way I do think I’m getting better at sharing in general. {Even though I think I’m a master at building walls.} Life is getting hard — all the scary, challenging, throat-tightening hard things that you don’t want to be processing. When did life go from kid happy to adult serious? I want to go back to our college days where we were carefree… It’s hard and to get through them I think I build walls. They start small, one heavy, ugly brick at a time. But I build them. Like I’ve shared before, it’s been almost three years since we moved to Minneapolis. We still don’t have a church — that may have changed though? — and I don’t feel like I fit in here. And now I fear I’m rambling and/or hurting others. But I’m not going to delete my words. They may be jumbled but I need to get them out. I want friends and I want more community, but I don’t think this city is our forever city. It’s like I hold my breath, anticipating change.
Except we never know when it will come.
If you have a anxious mind over what I’ve written, let me share this with you to settle your thoughts: none of what we’re going through is a surprise to God. None of this! NONE! I am super grateful for the amazing relationship + friendship Zack and I have. He’s a great tower to lean against. I should lean against him more… instead of those silly walls I build :)
Last week I tweeted that I need to be reading the Word more. Those red letters, they fix everything. I’m reading a daily devotional called Soul Detox, it’s on the Bible app by You Version (they also have a web version ~ click the link) and it’s helping so much. On Sunday the pastor spoke about audacious prayers… what it means to pray audaciously and how the Lord is actually offended when we pray simple prayers. Surely He can handle our difficult prayers? Yes, yes He can :)
So anywoooo… if you’re on Twitter + Instagram and would like to join us in Truth we’re including the hashtag #SheReadsTruth in our updates. It’s been AMAZING to see others reading those red letters, it’s so inspiring and I love that we’re sharing in the Truth.
I have more jumbled words to share.
I feel a bit lost since coming home from Tanzania. That first Monday home, I sat in our living room and just dazed. Suddenly our home felt TOO nice, TOO clean, TOO beautiful, TOO ours. I keep saying this, but I really feel like my thoughts are jumbled. Which makes my words feel jumbled. Which makes me feel antsy and silly so I sit silent. But I don’t think that’s right… I don’t think that’s what He wants.
I’ve got on a shield to help me be more brave with decisions.
I’ve got on a mask to help me feel more bold with my words + feelings.
I’ve got red letter words wrapped around me as I seek more Truth.
…and that’s all I got ;D
i can relate with your season….. i’m in that season. i walk around with a lump in my throat, heavy shoulders from carrying more than i can bear. the particular situation is out of my control….. i like control. this one i will never have control of. it’s out of my realm of control. this morning before my feet hit the floor, i let satan know that i was awake as i uttered the words in my head “Jesus take the wheel”.
i have friends that know the situation and i call out to them and cry with them to please pound the foot of the cross for my sake & the sake of my family. i can’t do this alone. having community with real life people is a necessity not an option. you can’t go about it alone.
you are on the right path. you are seeking truth and you are seeking his ways.
XOXOX
katy
I can absolutely relate because I feel CONSTANTLY out of place and despite having a church, it’s not the best fit. My entire family moved to Missouri a couple years ago and we feel that’s where we are supposed to be, but circumstances aren’t lining up for us to leave, so it’s majorly frustrating and it’s hard to make connections with people when you feel you are supposed to be in another place. I feel for ya girl! Stay wrapped up in HIM, it’s the only sane place to be :)
I follow you on instagram, and I saw your post about starting Soul Detox. I started doing it, and I love it ~ it was just what I needed. Thank you for sharing, even just through simple pictures and captions. You may feel jumbled, but God still uses it for His glory. Have a great Wednesday!
wow — thank you for this: “You may feel jumbled, but God still uses it for His glory.” XO
It takes a LONG time for a place to feel like home. I moved far away from home SIX years ago and I would say that at about the 5 year mark, it felt like home. Be patient with yourself and remember that the world is your community! Traveling to visit those I love definitely helps. Hang in there!
Maggie, I love your open heart and honesty. You’re precious :) The walls thing? yes, I relate. I sometimes feel so lame for saying that, because I’m the girl who smiles and laughs and makes friends easily (supposedly?!) but there are times when – yes, I step back, look around, and wonder when life DID get so hard? the big girl stuff I have to put on when so I often just feel like a little girl playing house. I crave His truth, His voice, His leading, to be smack in the middle of His will and be thankful for it all no matter the cost – but some days I tremble and crumble under the weight of those walls and just life in general. I know the truth, but I forget so easily and walk with fear…
Praise the Lord that He brings encouragement, and for the light of His word. I just loved this heartfelt post today and had to tell ya. You’re not alone…and I know you know that…but sometimes it’s so easy to forget.
xoxo
ashlie
honesty’s the best policy, right? ;D thanks so much for your comment… it feels good to receive encouragement. knowing i’m not so alone in this, knowing others KNOW now i feel. it feels great.
You are not alone…
I love you…
I know… I need to remember that always :)
I don’t hear the jumbledness. I’m joining in with the Soul Detox plan! WooT! I hope you found a church. Jeremiah 29:7. I’m telling you. You’re right, for however long it is, God has sent you to this place. Bloom here, Gussy!
I had to look up that verse!!!
“Make yourselves at home there and work for the country’s welfare. Pray for Babylon’s well-being. If things go well for Babylon, things will go well for you,” — Jeremiah 29:7
THANK YOU MARIAH! ♥
Oh, friend. This part: “I want friends and I want more community, but I don’t think this city is our forever city. It’s like I hold my breath, anticipating change.” I’m totally there, WAY more there than I could ever explain on the world wide web right now. Praying for you and with you … hugs!
::hugs::
Thank you for sharing this Maggie! Your heart is so real & so are your life experiences. I’m sure you’ve found & connected with others that might be feeling the same, I encourage you to keep reaching out. God is SO faithful & near to His children in their time of need. I pray that He continues to pour His love & grace over you during this time. Much love to you & yours!
Oh Gussy, you have a tender heart and are sensitive to the Lord. I think I can relate a little bit with the wall-building thing. I have a hard time building deep relationships. For me it is easier to stay on the surface. I don’t even know why I do it, but I feel like I do it even with my family members. I think it’s just my personality… it’s something that I have to put conscious effort to move beyond. You are doing hard work here, taking your wall apart brick by brick. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.
Just for the record, I don’t agree with what your pastor said. I don’t believe that God is offended by our simple prayers. I think he prefers them at times. Of course, he wants us to share our fears and deepest thoughts with him, but is He OFFENDED when we don’t? NO! He is concerned with the effort you put forth to reach out to him. Sometimes a simple prayer is all we can utter and that means as much to him as anything else.
Hugs from Nashville, friend! I’m so glad to see that you are spending more time in the Word!
Thank you for your post, I know it must take a ton of bravery and courage to share your feelings with the world… And I have never connected with a blog post more than this one. It communicated my thoughts perfectly, and was beautifully written… I plan to have my fiance read it when he gets home from work. I have struggled with feeling at “home” in our town- I know it’s truly not my home, I know there’s a reason I cannot seem to connect with people I meet here, I know there are greater plans for me!
You have a gift with words! I’m also following the soul detox plan, and taking on the She Reads Truth challenge on Twitter and Instagram, what a beautiful way for women to connect and unite.
hey girl! i’m so glad you commented :) and i’m so glad you’re doing Soul Detox!!!!!!!!!
I’m so glad you started sharing the Soul Detox plan! I’ve had the YouVersion app on my phone since I got it, but I never actually new they had reading plans like that. Bathe your mind in Truth, girl!
I feel like this alot too. Seriously, I’m 26?
WHHAT?
I feel 18 still. But I am not.
I have two precious girls who watch and mimic my every move.
Its enough responsibility to make my stomach hurt.
I have so much going on.
Thank you Lord that I don’t have to know all of the answers. I just have to trust you.
<3
Maggie, you are definitely not alone in your thoughts. It’s been three almost four years since my husband and I moved from ‘home’ and it still doesn’t feel like I’m totally settled. We have no intention of moving back {great location, opportunity, weather..etc where we are now} and have a great small group of friends, but it’s not the same feeling as the friends and family back ‘home’. I totally agree on the whole becoming an adult thing. There are times that I wish I could go back to the college days and not have all of the responsibilities of being an adult…I’d really like to rebel at times. My prayers and best wishes go out to you on finding that right fit church and building that community you want…if nothing else…you have plenty of friends online that are behind you cheering you on! :)
sharing from the heart really is it’s own type of therapy. it’s like everything gets lifted from my shoulders and disappears into the blue sky… i love it :)
In tears. Love this. Starting my study this weekend. :)
SO proud of you. SO honored to be doing this with you. SO humbled to be God’s tools somehow in facilitating this … but ultimately it’s HIM. And HE loves you OH. SO. MUCH.
He is smiling right now, Maggie. I’m confident He is.
thank you FRIEND. you’re such a good friend!!! God, you did good creating Kacia :)
Ahhhh. This explains the #shereadstruth. I’m going to have to look into this book! I need something! Anything! I feel like I”m grasping for air right now, only to keep going under water.
that’s exactly how i felt too. i hope you’ll follow along… and remember it’s not about the pressure to read the Word, it’s about the grace you’ll feel once you read. we don’t want anyone to feel overwhelmed, we want all the focus to be on Him :)
xoxoxoxoxo
I can relate to so many things in this post – the part about words being jumbled and not finding the right words to say how you feel? I totally 100% get that. I have two blogs, one is very carefree and silly, what I wore today kind of stuff. The other though was much more personal and I got to a point where I just stopped writing in it…because life was getting too real and I just couldn’t do it anymore because I couldn’t find the words. It’s easy for me to keep going with the fun one because that one doesn’t require me going into the depths of my soul. I applaud and admire you for being willing to share openly your feelings – even if it is hard or scary – because it is so encouraging to know I’m not the only out there who feels that way. I started the Soul Detox yesterday, it’ll take me a day or two to catch up I think, but I’m already loving it and I think it’s going to be good for me. God has been trying to speak to me and I think I haven’t been willing to listen, but now I am.
sometimes i think i should just start a new blog where no one is reading, then i’d feel more freedom in sharing more from my heart. but then i think that’d be SILLY! how could any of us help + encourage + inspire one another if we were writing to an audience of… zero?! ;) i know it’s not about WHO is reading, because God is reading and that is amazing. but to be able to share with others + feel the weight of our issues lifted just a bit. oh it has been so freeing for me.
i don’t know how to start, but i think this is a good way to start.
i’m glad you took the time to comment :) it means so much. and yeah — Soul Detox has been amazing. i’m giving myself permission to slow down even more just so i can try to see the things the devo begs us to see. it’s been amazing. xoxo
Thank you – and know you are not alone. Sometimes knowing that is reassuring on its own. I know reading your posts about this, so closely mirroring what I feel most of time (sans the Tanszania part) makes me feel better in a way. That I am not as alone as I might think I am. Continuing to pray for you…
i know :) this is a big transition time for me. for us. i shouldn’t rush it. God had great things planed… this i know. thanks for your prayers lauren!!!! PS how crazy that we have mirrored thoughts. clearly there is a reason behind that… :)
I know that Bible! It’s a really good one! Isn’t it a red letter version?
Thanks for sharing this! I can totally relate to all of these issues! To the word jumble. Well, the word jumble comes more from a thought jumble on my end, like there are too many tasks and too much info to process and it’s all bottle-necked somewhere in my head! It’s so hard to pick one thought at a time and express (or address it) it without being distracted by all the other ones. Once in awhile I manage to separate one thought from all the others and ease it through the bottle-neck, and even though it feels like small potatoes, I’m learning to celebrate each small victory before returning to the jumble :)
It’s been a loooong time since I found a church that I fit into, but I’ve just recently settled into a small bible study group that just fits. It’s challenging and reviving me, and I’ll pray for the same kind of connection for you!
I found #SheReadsTruth thanks to Jenna from Eat Live Run. And I’m even more thankful now because it led me to your blog and this amazing post. I sat here reading with tears in my eyes because it was as if I was reading some of my own story when you mentioned not finding a church, not feeling part of the community or not being able to get your feelings out. The one thing I relate to the most is not knowing where to start so I just don’t start. And that’s what happens whenever I think about reading the Bible. I find it and God to be too intimidating but I know I need both in my life. So, thank you and Kacia for birthing this idea! And thank YOU for helping me not feel so alone.
yes! the only way for me to learn more is to read more. i know that… and that’s why i’m loving this Soul Detox series. i feel like i’m finally using my Bible! {oh my gosh, to admit that… am i crazy to admit that??} i am amazed at the faith i have yet the lack of knowledge i have. does that make sense? i told Zack this morning we need to keep our Bible out from now on. no more putting it on the bookshelf or in a pile on the nightstand. it needs to be OUT so we read it :)
thanks for your comment cristen! xoxo
I know how you feel. My husband and I moved to our town 10-yes,10-years ago and I still don’t feel like I’m at home. I’ve accepted it. I’ve made a few good friends. The sense of community in this town is just lacking, though. I feel a bit odd here. I kept having anxious feelings about this and other things and I decided that something was telling me I ought to do something more. After being totally fearful about it, I started a blog this month. In a way, it is my way of getting my feelings out into the open, into the world. I thought that maybe I could meet some like-minded people, even if it only is through the computer. It was me stepping out of my box. It has felt good. I know that it will be a while before I find my voice on my blog, but it is still exciting and a creative outlet for me. I know that you already have your fabulous blog, but maybe life is making you antsy because you need to take your next step forward. I think that we, as people, tend to get into ruts and just figure that this is what life is and what life is going to be our whole lives. Sometimes the rut can be comforting, because predictability is security. That is no way to live, though. If we don’t feel good, it means something is wrong and we owe it to ourselves to seek something better.
I am so thankful you started the she reads truth thing. Instagram and twitter have been a 5x daily reminder to read. It’s great. I love the virtual accountability. Brilliant!!
I can’t imagine what you are going through being home now. But I pray that God will show you whee he wants your thoughts and words to be now.
thank you reeve :)
Thank you for writing the words that I can’t seem to put on paper (or screen). I recently started blogging and whenever I start to type what is in my heart, I chicken out and delete it. I feel like I don’t have the words to describe exactly what I am feeling, I know the words are there – I just can’t seem to put them together.
I am glad you are willing to share and open up – it gives me hope. I am not the only person that has a mess of unorganized thoughts in her head. :)
sometimes i wonder WHERE did my ability to articulate my thoughts go? it’s craziness! i think it’s more of a struggle now from lack of community. it’s like i have to train myself to gather my thoughts + share them with others. i’m so glad you commented. we can totally do this together. even if you start a journal and later burn when it’s full — START! praying for you girl! xo
I just started reading your blog earlier this week (directed from somewhere…can’t think where right now…), but I am so grateful for your honesty. I turned 30 this year. My husband and I live in one of the wealthiest counties in America, but we don’t fit in. We don’t make the kind of money most people here do, we don’t look the way most people here to, we don’t care about the things most people here do – and we don’t want to, necessarily, but it’s making it so much harder to be grateful for the things we do have. And we have so much to be grateful for. I know that, but it’s still hard to see sometimes.
I grew up in a small, Christian-centered (usually) town, with great, close, Christian friends. Since leaving for college 12 years ago (yikes), I haven’t found that community again. I want to be close to my family and friends again, but it doesn’t look like that will happen. We have a few friends in the area, but they don’t really live near us. I want to build community with the people around me, but I’m really struggling to find people I fit in with (and that’s four years later).
Thank you, thank you for your words. Your reminder about the relationship of a husband is so important. He is there for me so much more than I give him credit for. And God – well, I should be giving him the praise he deserves. If I can get that in line, I know the other things will follow.
I’m having trouble finding the app you’re talking about – can you give more information? Thank you!
Hi Kate! It’s the Bible app (iPhone) by YouVersion. It’s brown and says “Holy Bible” on the front. Once you download it you can click the Plans section, then search “Soul Detox”. Click to follow the plan. If you want to catch up with us we’re on day 7. I bet it would take an hour to catch up, they are pretty quick :)
Thank you for your truth filled words. I have been struggling today with the lose of my dog this morning. I have a mind filled with negative thoughts over the last 3 days and I am looking forward to starting the soul detox today. I follow you on instagram and was convicted to do it and just talked myself out of it. I am grateful the Holy Spirit spoke to me through you. Many blessings in your journey ahead to discover God’s sovereign will in your life. ::hugs::
Hi Mindy! OHHHH I’m so so sorry to hear about your dog. I hope you’ll join us, we’re on day 7 today but it won’t take long if you wanted to catch up. They are maybe 10 mins each :) Saying a little prayer for your heart right now. xo
Best of all, you’ve got Red Letters & Zack. Really that’s all a girl needs. Rest in both. And let him who is in you be your guide. “Don’t be anxious for anything”….from the Red Letters book :D
Definitely not crazy to admit that. If anything, it’s encouraging! I’m enjoying the Soul Detox so far, but I find myself still holding back. I know it’s the right time for me to do this. No more holding back! No more letting my Bible on the nightstand just sit there and intimidate me!
Thank you for being so honest!
I totally meant to reply to the comment I made earlier today in which you responded! Whoops!
while you may feel your words are jumbled, I heard them ;)
I have to say that you are more on track than you think, as you are seeking truth and answers in the Lord, and that is more than a lot of people can say. Most ask the questions, but never to Him, never getting answers. You Maggie, are GREAT for sharing this, and should share my heartfelt posts as they DO touch your readers, in a positive light. It makes you more personable, human ;P
Don’t sensor your feelings to benefit other’s, that’s not being true to yourself. As long as you don’t have any convictions over what you are writing, keep on writing.
xo
Way to go Maggie!!! Stay in God’s Word! A Church will come and as long as you are walking daily in the Scriptures, the Lord will bring you into a closer walk with Him!
Ahhhh… I’ve lived in this general area since I was in 7th grade (besides when I went to college) and I still feel like I don’t fit here. Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit in my life. I have no idea what that means, but I know it feels awful! I haven’t been comfortable in church since before college… some of it is my fault, some of it is my past, some of it is life. Church just makes me feel emotionally not well — I know thats not right, I know its a deep heart issue, but because of how it makes feel, I avoid church like its the plague. UGH. So awful. I hate even writing that. I want church, I want friends, I want community… I know its important, but its so hard for me to let people in…it has been since the end of college. I hate it. Walls hurt! Thankful that I still go to His word. Loving Soul Detox. So good for my soul! Thanks for sharing your heart! xoxoxo
Stand grounded in prayer and the word and He will guide you – oh friend will He if you let Him
John 16:33
New International Version (NIV)
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Praying for you
;)
Fellow Maggie, if you need a friend or a church home, I’m in Minneapolis! My mother is a pastor and would looove for you and Zak to visit our church. Also, if you need a coffee date or just someone to hang out with, I’m so game.
Signed,
Maggie, your blog fangirl.
Hi Gussy,
I’m a fellow Compassion sponsor and just started reading your blog today. As it happens, I just Downloaded the Bible app onto my phone yesterday, and I’m going to try the soul detox study too. I’ve been noticing the same problems you described in my own life–walls and a need for the Word–and I’m hoping this will help me in that.
I think I’ll update my blog soon too, once I figure out what to talk about. :)
So understand your post. I long for something that is not being met at church. Sounds crazy- I have been blessed with several wonderful church families over the past years but it has never felt just like home to me. It has made me sad and longing for something. I love my job (teacher) and I have many wonderful girlfriends and a great husband but that community of believers seems out of reach. I keep remember what it was like growing up in a small town and I miss that. This has driven me more and more to THE WORD and GOD for help and that has to be a good thing. Desperate and seeking His ways and will for me and looking for that place of fitting in and fulfillment. My best answer is that when I lacking HE is the only source for my needs. Keep seeking and He will be there and answer and meet your need. God Bless:)
i find myself in the stage where i am ready to be challenged, confronted and uncomfortable if that means i can break down these walls that i have spent so much wasted time putting up. moving around often has led to building superficial relationships and i want authenticity. i want the challenge. accountablilty, encouragement. i need this fight. and i know that i am not alone. neither are you. thanks for sharing your battle with us :)
Those are beautiful pictures!
We’ve moved a ton and i have a hard time putting down roots because i’m afraid it will hurt to uproot again so I build those walls you spoke of and wait for the change. But it doesn’t really help because change still hurts and and we miss out on all the things God has for us IN that place that He has us. When we are always looking to the future we miss the gifts that He has for us in this moment. I think we need to be like potted plants. That way we put down roots and can be used by Him where He has us but we are still available/willing to be moved by God when the time comes.
Thank you for your willingness to be open. I know it’s hard but just know that God is using your words to bless others. Please keep writing even though it feels jumbled to you. God makes beautiful things out of our weaknesses.
Hi– I’m a little late in reading this post… but I just wanted to say thanks so much for your honesty. It’s really beautiful that I can sit here in my home and read the words you wrote and be so moved and encouraged. It makes this world feel a little smaller. :) Thanks for writing what’s on your heart.